by blogging | Feb 18, 2022 | Christianity, Church, Community, Faith, Family, Gospel
My parents live in a small town in the Karroo, and if you’ve ever met them you will know what pretty much all the people in that town knows: My parents are awesome. And certainly, I’d always assumed that small town life has certain, albeit clichéd, characteristics that we always think would not be part of city life. No lack of community there! You know, people dropping in, knowing your neighbours and going the extra mile for one another. When my dad fell in during the pandemic I saw community in action, from referrals to in home care givers, to virtually daily meal drop offs that meant my mom and I did not cook the entire 2 weeks I was there. Even the pharmacist and Doctor made housecalls. Afterhours! It was like being in a TV series from the 70s.
I left thinking it must have something to do with where they live. And what they are like as people. I mean who wouldn’t seek out opportunities to serve and love people who are so easy to adore? But the pandemic proved me wrong again because in a series of unfortunate events for our family that started in June all the way through to December, there was a steady stream of people, prayer and food going in and out of our house. At the height of our struggles the people showing up here unannounced far outnumbered people sending “let me know if you need anything” messages. My kids stood astounded time and time again, and they saw the truth of John 13 v 35 in action:
“By this all will know that you are My disciples – if you have love for one another.”
And this is what I realised about Christian community:
The truth about Christian Community.
But as we live more and more insular lives (thanks Pandemic) and focus more and more on individualistic motivations (thanks American Christianity. No offense), I have seen Christians neglect community and I have seen the cost of that – for them and for their kids. As much as life in community has so many benefits – many of which are obvious to those who are watching our lives – so the drawbacks of more and more Christians neglecting community have also become more and more pronounced.
What our lack of community is costing us:
- It’s costing us our fervor. Paul tells us that we need one another so we don’t lag in our enthusiasm for the things of God and the people of God (Rom 12 v 9-10). We need others to keep our faith glowing and growing. But just like an ember burns lower and lower over time when it’s outside of the fire, so our faith, without the fire of connection to the body of Christ, starts to diminish, until soon lives of faith are so lukewarm they are indistinguishable from those around us.
- It’s costing us connection. Many people, like us, live far from family, and when community is not cultivated intentionally, there is no one to bear our burdens along with us when we suffer loss or trauma, or even just when our geyser bursts or our kids are sick.There is no one to celebrate with us when things go well either. Shared experiences foster deeper connection.
- It’s costing us our growth. Lack of fellowship is a prime growth inhibitor for Christians because when we take ourselves out of community we inhibit the influence of other believers that are called to be instruments of grace in our lives (Heb 3 v 13), and us in theirs. Our faith stagnates as unproductive behaviors go unchecked and every area of our lives is impacted, the most important 2 being our marriages and our parenting.
- It’s costing us our credibility. No amount of Sunday church or worship music or Christian books will testify as loudly to our kids about what it means to be a believer as life in community with other believers. Our disconnected way of life preaches a louder sermon to our kids of how to do life, declaring how much we value our own time, our own freedom and our own wisdom and our own plans over the call of Christ in our lives, the call to discipleship, community, to service and sacrifice, to accountability and confession, and commitment to the truth. And it turns us into hypocrites. The first ones to notice will be our kids.
- It’s costing us our commission, the one we were all called to – to go and make disciples. When we do not see Christian community the way God sees it, we start to see church as optional and certainly church membership as completely superfluous. And in our church skipping, church hopping and church shopping we go being part of a family to being part of an audience. We’ve gone from asking how we can serve to demanding to be served. We have gone from asking how we can be equipped for this great work to how we can be entertained so we can leave feeling great. And the work of God falls by the wayside, in our families, communities, cities and countries.
- It’s costing us our back up – something every parent will find they need. Removing outside Christian influences from the social fabric of our kids’ lives means when the time comes for guidance, when their ears are longs since deaf to your sermons – and believe me this time does come- there is no alternative trusted grown up voice that you or your child knows and trusts well enough to speak life into the dead and dark areas of your children’s lives that you have been shut out of.
- It’s costing us our faith. The Apostle John speaks of this cross formed fellowship of us to God and us to one another when he says “but if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus Christ His son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1 v 7). Blood is a cleansing agent, and when one member is cut off from the body is no longer experiences that cleansing flow. A fellowship that is both vertical (with God) and horizontal (with other believers) is critical for the sustaining of our faith, especially in the world and the culture we live in.
A life that lacks community is costly to our families and our faith.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying you should ONLY have Christian friends. No ways. But God’s wish is that we should prioritise it over other social relationships:
“Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, but especially to those who are of the household of faith.” Gal 6 v 10
He also designed it so that our fellowship would extend beyond just getting together in Church on a Sunday and sharing a cappuccino afterwards. The Greek word used in scripture, Koinonia, is not simply limited to doing church together (Acts 2 v 42), but also sharing in all other aspects of life together (Phil 3 v 10) (2 Cor 9 v 13). This is the kind of fellowship that impacts our kids, our communities, our cities, our world. It did back then. It can today.
God’s wish for us is that the gospel would have both a vertical and horizontal impact in our life and that our community with Him and with others would be fruitful. Thát is cross formed community.
If Christian community is lacking in your life, the solution is easy:
Ask yourself why:
It could be church hurt/ disappointment because of previous experiences/ distrust of people
A misalignment between what God prioritises and your own priorities
Lack of diligence and/ or devotion to the things of God over time
It could be any number of things, but all of them likely require you to ask the hard questions, repent and recommit your heart to live out what you say you believe.
“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).
Ask God who:
Ask the Lord who you can invite or connect with. Make it a matter of prayer.
Ask yourself when:
Community takes time and effort let’s be honest. But what it will cost you in time and effort is nothing compared to the fruit it will bring about in your life and that of your kids. Everyone is busy, but the fact is that we exercise a lot of choice over our schedules even if we pretend we don’t. We make time for what we want to make time for. When our hearts are aligned to God our priorities will be more and more aligned to his. His heart is that we prioritize “one another” – a phrase occurring 56 times in the New Testament.
“Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another” (Hebrews 10:25).
by Kona Brown | Aug 21, 2019 | Uncategorized |
People are often surprised to hear that 3 of my closest friends (shout out Vicki, Nina and Reneé) are friends from my Primary School, High School and Varsity days. It’s a bit like telling someone that you still have a Hotmail account. Or a Tamagotchi. And it prompted me to try to understand what is present in these friendships that has not only allowed them to stand the test of time, but that has made them grow. I can tell you it’s not because of me! Most cases it’s in spite of more like! It’s not because any of us are flawless, we aren’t (although truth be told those 3 come pretty close!), or have not hurt one another or let each other down, because we have, and we do. It’s not because we stayed interested in the same things – we didn’t. It’s not because we believe in the same things – we don’t. It’s not because we stayed in the same geographical place, we didn’t. And it’s not because our life seasons have coincided, they didn’t. So it seems to me that all the conventional “rules for friendship” are not necessarily always the structures and behaviours that truly sustain lasting and thriving friendships.
When I started writing The Mommy Diaries, there was no doubt in my mind that I needed to include a chapter on friendship. There are lessons that I learned about friendship pretty late in my life that I wished I had learned earlier. And it seems to me when I talk to fellow moms, women that are younger than me and even women a couple of life stages ahead of me, that friendship remains a deep need and often times a huge challenge for kids and grown-ups alike and especially (and sadly) for us as women.
So here is what I discovered. As far as I can tell there are five things we did, and we keep doing that have helped these relationships survive and thrive. Five things that are reciprocal (meaning both friends do them, not just one), five things we grew into and now consistently do. They are:
We SUPPORT each other:
Support means taking an interest in people’s lives, goals, projects, relationships, career and being there for them through life’s ups and downs. Support means sticking around, even when it’s inconvenient, even when it’s not about you; actually, especially then. Support means getting on board with stuff, listening in order to understand more than for the sake of responding. Support means setting aside judgements and agendas.
We SERVE each other:
Yes, I am talking about actually doing things for people. Service means showing up! Service requires sacrifice, and if Jesus’ example is anything to go by, that is the definition of love – and that is what Jesus calls us to (John 15 v 17) A lot of people only manage superficial friendships because loving people requires too much of us. People are a lot of work – I know I am. I love (and also don’t love) the way Anne Voskamp puts it –
To love is to be inconvenienced.
Anne Voskamp
Most often, service is sacrificial, it “costs” you something. Most often, service is a declaration much more than words are, because when we serve people we put them first. And so service is always, always a declaration of love.
We CELEBRATE (with) each other:
When it comes to friendship, you should consider celebration the opposite of competition. Celebrating the victories and wins, the passions and plans of others is a gift we give them that declares that we put them above our own desires, validations and need to be first. It’s hard but precious. If you can’t be happy for your friends when they achieve or obtain things you might have wanted for yourself, your friendship will not survive. Trust me I know! One way to bring distance in a friendship is to allow our own jealousies, insecurities or need to compete to keep us from celebrating someone else’s journey.
We SUFFER together:
As in we share in one another’s suffering. Because suffering cements friendships. Being there for people when they go through something hard or sad or bad will bring you closer together and it builds trust. Now, let’s be honest, friendship becomes very one-sided when one person is suffering. Sticking around when there is little in it for you and when it actually requires something of you is a declaration of your love for that person. Sometimes its showing up (ideally with food, oh and wine, not advice), and sometimes it’s just about sitting supportively and prayerfully on the riverbed of someone else’s pain. And reciprocally, letting someone sit with you in your suffering. Sometimes we lack the courage to be vulnerable with our friends, but when we are brave enough to open up about what we are going through, the relationship is by and large deeper and more meaningful because of it.
We give each other SPACE:
Because it’s good to let things breathe. Just because you are besties with someone doesn’t mean you have to talk all the time, be together all the time, or do everything together or have a whatsapp group (heaven help me!) with one another. Giving people space means we do not put on them an expectation to constantly validate us or our friendship. It means the truth of the friendship is based on more than just how much time we spend together. It means that when problems arrive, we ask, “Will this still matter 1 year from now?” and if not, then we let it go.
It should be clear from this list that all of these things have some element of action to them, that these things take time and effort. Also, considering our busy lives, these things are really hard to “fit in”. They do not come easily, and they do not happen by themselves. And they are all “other focused”.
One of the reasons I wrote a chapter on friendship for my kids in my book is because we often approach friendship with the wrong expectations (i.e this is about my needs), inevitably setting ourselves up for hurt and disappointment. But when we understand that friendship is not singularly about us, our feelings and our needs, but that it has a higher purpose that could bring precious wealth and depth to our journey through this life, then we also approach it differently. King Solomon, the wisest person who ever lived, gave this sage advice about making friends: If you want to have friends, you must be a friend. If you sign up for the effort you will be rewarded not just with a friendship that will grow and thrive beyond your expectations, but you yourself will grow and thrive.
What is the state of your friendships Momma? I can tell you from experience when we make ourselves vulnerable by sowing into friendships, by allowing ourselves to be challenged and by giving of ourselves in service and support, by making the first move and being the ones who place value on people, there is always a reward of depth, a harvest of more precious community. My prayer for you is that you will find the time, scratch that, make the time to make the first move in your friendships, to support the phenomenal women you get to do life with and (re) commit to them, to bask in the safe harbour of female fabulousness amidst your own personal posse of fierce females who have done it all and seen it all and are still right there, walking with you, celebrating with you, cheering for you, praying for you, having grace with you, while you do the same with for them.
